Last week we had a playdate at a friend’s house. The weather cooperated, and the kids had such a fun time playing outside on the trampoline and making up all of their silly games together. After they got their energy out, they came inside and split up. The girls had a tea party and did crafts in one room and the boys had a non-tea party in the other, and wrestled and played an indoor basketball game.
When we got home, though, I had a text from this same friend we were visiting that her little girl, 7, told her that she and my daughter, 8, were telling secrets and sharing who their crushes were. My friend was upset and told her daughter that she was too young to have a crush and be talking about it. Honestly, I didn’t know what I thought. This was new territory for me! Well, not really. I was an 8 year old girl once, and I remember my first real crush at that age. Actually, he was my crush for a lot of ages : ) But, new territory in the sense that my daughter now has a crush and is keeping secrets from me…
Is It Okay for Kids to Keep Secrets?
So, I prayed. What the Lord put on my heart is that it is absolutely ok for her to feel the way she does. She’s human! But it’s not okay for her to keep secrets and put distance between us. I don’t want my daughter to ever feel like she can’t talk to me about something, whether it’s cute and innocent like her first crush, or something more serious. Either way, it starts with building trust right now. I ended up talking to her about what she and her friend discussed, told her that it is 100% okay for her to have a crush, but 100% not okay for her to keep secrets from me and why. Secrets create distance in relationships, and that is the last thing I want with my chilren. They're also incredibly dangerous. While it may seem innocent, if your children are experiencing dangerous or detrimental things at school, at a friend or relative's house and they're keeping it from you, you can't help or protect them. They're left vulnerable. So, while it's innocent sometimes, nipping the game of secrets in the bud right away is the best way to keep open communication between you, to build trust and to protect your chilren.
How Do You Keep Your Kids From Keeping Secrets?
The short answer: make them feel like they can tell you anything. I ended up telling my daughter about my first crush - how we liked to play soccer together. How we both loved horses, so he would draw me pictures of horses. And how he was a big brother to sisters that he was so sweet with. As I shared, I realized that there were quite a few similarities between our first crushes, which just felt really sweet!
Her crush is a boy we go to church with and who is actually moving overseas in a few weeks, as his parents feel called to minister to women who have been, or are at high risk of, being trafficked in Southeast Asia. He loves Jesus, has a BIG heart, is a really sweet big brother to his little sister, and yes, they like to play soccer together. And Legos. But it blessed my heart so much as I thought about it. The qualities she is attracted to are good qualities, and I want to reinforce that! I want her to grow up to look for someone who has a big heart, loves Jesus, someone who is kind and generous, and someone she has fun with! The ability to speak that into her now is priceless.
If your kiddo comes to you with something uncomfortable, it’s okay to be uncomfortable. But before you squash the conversation, because you're too nervous to talk about it, I encourage you to take a minute. Hold your tongue, seek the Lord, and ask Him how He would have you respond. Ask Him how you can encourage safety and trust in your relationship with your child, rather than create a list of “no talk about” subjects in their minds. Show them that it’s safe to come to you with their fears, their concerns, their emotions, and see your relationship blossom!
Everyday is a new challenge and we don’t, like Mr. Incredible, have to just “Roll with the punches.” We have Holy Spirit, the Helper, who we can go to for ALL things. We can press in, ask for wisdom, and know that He’ll give it because He promised He would. And His word is good.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
God loves our babies! Even more than we do. He will gladly give us what we need, wisdom especially, to shepherd them well.
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